The Conversation Code: How to Upgrade Your Social Skills and Your Life Read online

  Become an Information Hunter

  When you watch a movie, let’s say Attack of the Zombie Squirrels (it’s a classic!), you may think to yourself, “Wow, I like this John Smith actor, he’s really funny,” or “The ending could have been much better, they should have driven the motorcycle off the building.”

  Actively processing information shifts the information to a more accessible place in your memory. You’re literally assembling random pieces of information into coherent, usable thoughts. Many of these thoughts can be used later in conversation. If someone brings up Attack of the Zombie Squirrels, you may refer to how much you like that John Smith actor. That’s conversational information.

  So what isn’t conversational information? Unusable information includes information you wouldn’t typically share in a conversation. For example: highly personal details, esoteric science facts, etc. It all depends on the people involved and the context.

  You may have a great personality, but if everyone in the group is talking about the latest TV series, or about the time they met their significant other, or about their favorite place to visit in Chicago – your odds of contributing increase substantially if you also follow some similar TV series, or have a story about how you met your significant other, or can describe your favorite places in Chicago.

  Great Conversations Cannot Be Built without Proper Materials

  The house builder requires quality wood, the artist requires a good selection of paint, and the conversationalist requires useful conversational information. This chapter is about training your brain to fill up your conversation storage tanks with useful and interesting conversational information; information your brain can draw from for conversational purposes. If you think about it, most information you encounter over your life wouldn’t translate to effective conversation material.

  On a daily basis, our brains are passively absorbing and filtering out millions and millions of bytes of data. We only actively think about a small percentage of that vast amount of information. Once the new information is placed in your memory, it’s available to process and assemble into useful comments. You may combine the new information with existing information. Either way, the ultimate objective is to assemble these thoughts into nice little packages you can employ at a moment’s notice.

  Maybe you have a story about that time you threw-up after band practice. Or maybe you have a strong opinion about climate change. Or maybe you memorized a great line from your favorite movie. Your brain has assembled many of your random thoughts into coherent comments already. I call these previously assembled thoughts: PATs. Remember the name Pat, because Pat is your best friend when it comes to efficient and effective conversation. Exceptional conversationalists store thousands of PATs.

  REMEMBER: People with more pre-assembled thoughts fare better, they have more to say, and can think of comments faster.

  PATs are the secret to speedier responses; rather than digging around your mental closet for articles of clothing to create an outfit, PATs are like pre-assembled outfits, ready to wear. So how can you collect more of these PATs? I’m glad you asked! Some common – and important – PATs can be organized by the following categories: Comments, Knowledge, Opinions, and Autobiographical.

  Exceptional conversationalists relentlessly hunt for information they can convert to PATs. Let’s get to know the four best PATs in more detail.

  PAT 1: Comments

  Remember Eliza the chat bot? Chat bots, as of this writing, are loaded with useful words and comments. As we know, chat bots have to follow previously defined scripts and communicate with previously defined words and comments. A human may type “Hi, how are you?” and the chat bot is programmed to output “Good, how are you?” in return. How can you add more and better words and comments into your conversation storage?

  Do you feel like your comment options are too limited? Are there phrases you tend to over-use? I worked with someone many years ago whose default response to almost any opinion was “I like that” or “I don’t know if I like that.” I also know someone who often ends their phrases with “I’m not kidding.” I’m not kidding. You probably know someone like that as well. Or maybe that someone else is you. I’m not kidding. Like, for real. I mean it. Seriously.

  Let me tell you a quick story. Last year I decided to officially grow a beard for the first time. That single act sparked countless conversations. The beard became a trigger for a very specific conversation. Almost every friend I encountered felt the urge to comment on my new facial hair experiment, and they all said a variation of the same simple observation: “Hey, I see you’re growing a beard.” It was becoming a social script that played out again and again.

  The first time someone made that comment, my brain sluggishly gathered and sorted some acceptable and possibly interesting response options. Now after a few of these exchanges about my beard, I discovered what phrases worked well and what phrases did not. After a few more “beard comments,” do you really think my brain had to work that hard to find a response? Nope.

  When the topic of “beards” came up, I was prepared, and responded with lightning fast comments. And not only that, but I was already planning my next move while the other person was focusing on how to respond to one of my pre-assembled thoughts:

  Well hey, winter’s coming, I have to stay warm!

  This is my new hipster beard - I’m trying really hard to fit in.

  Yeah, guys don’t have many options for our hair styles, it’s either grow facial hair or no facial hair - I don’t think HR would allow much more than that!

  How to Add Better Words and Comments

  Every common situation loosely follows cultural scripts. People are supposed to act in certain ways. But there are so many types of comments available within a given social interaction, it would be a fool’s errand to try to memorize every comment for every script and situation. Instead, start noticing useful and interesting comments. Start hunting them, and mentally filing them away whenever you hear a good comment. Rehearse them in your head. Write them down. Focus on them.

  Have you ever been bowling? A typical bowling event usually proceeds by following a scripted series of actions/events:

  The Series of Events/Actions during Bowling

  You arrive. You choose shoes and a ball. You find your lane. You form teams. Someone writes names on the board. Everyone takes turn bowling and one of four main outcomes usually occurs:

  I.Bowl a strike

  2.Bowl a spare

  3.Knock over less than eight pins

  4.Miss entirely

  When people do well, they act excited. When they do poorly, they act disappointed. Eventually people eat food or drink. After a while some people become tired. At the end, the score is tallied, the winning team celebrates. Everyone goes home.

  This pattern happens nearly every time, in bowling alleys everywhere. The only parts of the interaction left are the comments in between the actions/events. Because the events of bowling are so consistent, the next time you go bowling, try to remember any clever phrase someone utters – because you can borrow those exact phrases and apply them to the next time you bowl! And the time after that. And the time after that. Until suddenly you developed your own arsenal of bowling comments, ready to go at a moment’s notice. Because I’m such a nice guy, I have collected some for you:

  Event 1. You/They bowl a strike.

  Did you see that?! I wanted to make sure you were watching.

  WOW! I can’t believe I actually knocked them all down!

  I hope you took a picture of that! That should be on a poster.

  Event 2. You/They start bowling poorly.

  Maybe I should stick to darts/pool.

  Hey, no one can say you’re not consistent.

  At least I’m good at hitting the right side.

  I think it’s time for another beer - I need to improve my focus.

  If the goal was to knock over the right side pins, I’d be a champion.

  I just got robbed ...that was totally going in.

  I don’t think there’s a strike in my future.

  Event 3. The other player just finished their throw.

  Good job!

  Look out - we’ve got a pro bowler on the team.

  You got robbed - you’ll get it next time.

  Don’t worry, the floor’s definitely not even - I think there’s a bump on that side.

  Event 4. People become tired of bowling.

  Who said bowling wasn’t a workout?

  I think I’m getting too old for this.

  My arm was not meant to throw heavy objects all night.

  I think I pulled something - it feels like I pulled a hammy.

  All those high school football injuries are starting to catch up to me.

  Most environments contain re-usable phrases like this – we’re just not usually conscious of when we hear or utilize them.

  PATs can be very versatile and aren’t always locked into one type of function. Often, what your brain is remembering, is the structure of the statement – then when the time comes to express the statement, your brain just fills in the blanks. The PAT statement, “That’s how you know you’re getting old; you get excited about________,” is able to be recycled in numerous ways. Check out the following examples utilizing the PAT:

  SOMEONE SAYS: I’m so happy; I just saved a bunch of money on my insurance!

  YOU: That’s how you know you’re getting old; you get excited about saving money on insurance.

  SOMEONE SAYS: I’m so happy; we just refinanced and lowered our interest rate by a whole point!

  YOU: That’s how you know you’re getting old; you get excited about saving money on interest rates.

  The content just depends on the context of the conversation. Check out this example:

  The statement “I love cheesecake, I’ll never say ‘No’ to cheesecake,” can be a fun PAT response anytime someone mentions cheesecake. But what if someone mentions M&Ms? Or Butterfingers? In this case, the underlying structure is: “I love________, I’ll never say ‘No’ to_______.” It can be applied to many things. Can you think of any?

  At every placed I’ve worked, the most popular question asked on Friday is: “Have any plans for the weekend?” If I don’t know a good response, I fall back on a PAT I have used over 40 times to good effect:

  I have no idea. My wife makes all the plans. I wake up on Saturday and she lets me know what we’re doing for the day. It’s a surprise every weekend!

  I’m not kidding, I literally go to that response if I can’t think of anything else. If nothing else, it keeps the conversation moving along until I can think of something more substantive.

  The next important type of PAT to pre-assemble is factual information. Knowledge forms the foundation for substantive conversations.

  PAT 2: Knowledge

  Justin and Melissa are having a fun conversation about the movie Top Gun. Because of their knowledge of the movie, they can make many fun references to the movie within a single conversation:

  MELISSA: You hear Top Gun is going to be in 3D?

  JUSTIN: Really? Those air combat scenes should be sweet.

  MELISSA: I’m probably not going to watch it.

  JUSTIN: What? I thought for sure you would watch it - you’re like the Queen of 80s movies; how can you not like Tom Cruise singing You’ve Lost that Lovin ‘Feelin’.

  MELISSA: Slow down there, Iceman...l’ve never seen you get so excited over a movie before.

  The small aforementioned conversation had four references to Top Gun in various forms, but without information about the movie, the conversation might have proceeded as follows:

  MELISSA: You hear Top Gun is going to be in 3D?

  JUSTIN: Yeah? It’s been a while since I saw it - I don’t really remember it.

  MELISSA: Oh, well - you might like it.

  JUSTIN: Yeah, maybe.

  Millions of conversations a day meet a similar boring fate because one or both of the conversation partners can’t (or won’t) contribute more information. This is one of the primary reasons why conversations fall short and stall – one or both of the conversation partners lack easily-accessible knowledge to maintain the topic. Of course, I say “easily-accessible” because many people have the ability to recall knowledge if given enough time. But conversations are not patient beasts. Conversations move quickly and end abruptly if not continuously fed content and information. Even if you have a poor memory for details, just remembering one or two tidbits of what the movie is about can go a long way towards maintaining dialogue.

  Think about the last TV show you watched or article you read. Exceptional conversationalists don’t just passively consume movies, shows, books, news, etc. ECs remember the interesting parts. They realize (sometimes subconsciously) that this knowledge maybe useful for future conversation. And they don’t just remember every fact they can – they hunt specifically for conversational information – information that may be interesting to other people.

  It’s not good enough that you can tell people that your favorite movie is Braveheart – you also need to keep it interesting. You may need to explain why it’s your favorite, or re-tell an interesting line from the movie, state an interesting fact about an actor in the movie, etc. ECs look up additional information and read about fascinating stories to re-tell. In fact, many skilled conversationalists unabashedly steal content verbatim from comedians and journalists.

  How to Add Better Facts and Knowledge: Just TAPP!

  How can you increase your odds of always having conversation information to contribute to a conversation? By reviewing and studying the TAPP topics! The TAPP topics run the gamut of common conversation topics you’re likely to encounter in any given social exchange. TAPP stands for Things, Activities, People, and Places. The TAPP topics function as a guideline to follow as you expand and add to your mental storage of facts, opinions, and experiences. TAPP also acts as a comprehensive list of ideas for conversation starters. Take a gander:

  TAPP Topics

  THINGS: Technology, Books, Clothes, Cars, Movies, TV Shows, Food, Drink, and Weather

  ACTIVITIES: Hobbies, Volunteering, Sports, Fitness, Diets, Entertainment, Gaming, Education, Dating, Vacations, Shopping, and Careers

  PEOPLE: Kids/Parenting, Family, Pets, Gossip, Relationships, Opposite Sex, You, Them, Culture, Common friends/Co-workers, Local/Global News, Appearance, and Human Behavior

  PLACES: Surroundings, Cities, Landmarks, States, Restaurants, Festivals, Houses, and Stores

  Can you add an interesting fact about each of the THINGS? Or PLACES? Becoming familiar with the topics is the easy part; coming up with something interesting to say about each one is much harder. At the very least, develop a solid portfolio of comments in certain areas so you can confidently steer the conversation towards your strengths.

  One of the TAPP topics is “Education.” Maybe your son’s school requires silly neon green school uniforms; that’s an interesting fact. If you collect interesting tidbits related to education, the second the conversation turns to something related to education, you may have your exceptional conversationalist moment!

  By no means should you try to memorize this list. But being very familiar with TAPP topics gives you building blocks for great conversations with a wide and diverse audience. ECs are able to converse with a diverse crowd because they know a little about a lot.

  Quick Practice: Let’s try a TAPP exercise right now. The topic is Food. Can you think of an interesting food fact? Once you think of a fact, see if you can think of another fact to connect to the first fact. For example, “Did you know that almost half the world’s food is thrown away every year?” Second fact, “And grocery stores have to throw food out if it reaches its expiration date, even though it could be perfectly safe.” It doesn’t have to be deep – the fact that Tony’s Tacos down the street serves burritoes until 11pm is pretty awesome too!

  Factual information isn’t always interesting on its own. Offering your own opinion or feelings on a certain piece of knowledge is invariably more interesting. The next type of PAT (Opinions) adds the pizzazz to existing knowledge and facts.

  PAT 3: Opinions

  Did you see that time a computer named Watson kicked-butt on Jeopardy? Newer chat bots are being programmed with factual knowledge about the world. Obviously computers have no problem storing and retrieving facts. Unfortunately for Watson and chat bots, they typically don’t go beyond fact retrieval and scripted comments. In addition, the type of facts they learn are usually limited to just the external world, and rarely contain facts about their “inner world”; for example, how they’re feeling, or what they’ve experienced.

  Exceptional conversationalists are experts on themselves. They have already formed interesting opinions and views about the facts in the world. They are in tune with their preferences and feelings. Do you think you’re already an expert on yourself? Hmmmm? Being an expert on yourself means that you can do more than just ace a test on YOU. It means that you can ace the test while only having three seconds per question. It means that when you’re put on the spot, you’re able to recall a myriad of personal opinions and insights. And unfortunately, in most conversations, you only have a few seconds. Many smart people have difficulty communicating their opinions effectively and efficiently.

  Quick Practice: See if you can answer each question in the following Opinion Speed Test without hesitating for more than three seconds (you may be surprised by the results!):

  Opinion Speed Test

  1.What is one of your favorite desserts?

  2.What’s your biggest pet peeve?

  3.If you could only read one more book, what would it be?

  4.What new technology would you like to see?

  5.What’s your favorite car?

  6.Who would make a great president?

  7.What’s the best place to visit in your town?