The Conversation Code: How to Upgrade Your Social Skills and Your Life Read online

  ENDING A CONVERSATION SCRIPT

  1.STATE REASON: Well, I have to go see/do/finish _________.

  2.POSITIVE WORDS: It was great chatting/seeing/doing ____with you.

  3.REFERENCE POSSIBLE FUTURE EVENT: We should do ______ sometime. / Good luck with the________, I’m sure you’ll do great!

  Some conversations may require a 2B., which summarizes or recaps any important point from the conversation. “Your ideas about______ were really interesting.” Or “So I think we concluded that_______should never__________, right?”

  You might be wondering how to go about learning more scripts. There’s isn’t room in this book for many more, but I encourage you to start listening to social interactions like a social scientist and develop your conversational sixth sense. One of the best ways to analyze the structure of a conversation is by listening multiple times. Hearing something multiple times allows your brain to focus on underlying structures and nuances. Find a few podcasts with natural banter and social interactions, like the Stuff You Should Know podcast with Josh and Chuck, and listen to the same show three or four times, you’ll see what I mean. The same goes for any other type of social skill. For example, if you want to learn more about humor, listen to a comedian’s show four or five times. You’ll start seeing patterns emerge. The act of deliberately listening to structures will automatically improve your social skills, even if you don’t think you learned anything specific.

  Successful professionals from all walks of life – pro athletes, sales people, etc. – have mental strategies to prepare for big, important events. Like what, you ask? They often find a quiet place, and mentally walk through the potential events, scripts, or dialogue numerous times. They prime their brains to be ready for specific events or dialogue. Many life events contain predictable structures. For example, I’ve always said you can plan for at least 75% of a job interview beforehand. You should mentally walk through meeting the hiring manager, making small talk, and answering the questions you know they are likely to ask. A little online research will tell you most of the questions being asked of the position.

  Deconstructing the Conversation

  Let’s open up conversation and take a look inside. Check out the following diagram. Pretty basic right?

  Every conversation you have ever had or will ever have can fit into a diagram like this. Conversations are simply a series of connections and not some nebulous uncontrollable entity. Conversations are very controllable and sometimes predictable. They often start and end in a similar fashion. The body of a conversation consists of connected statements and questions. Each speech bubble in the diagram represents one statement or question.

  In the previous diagram, Person A initiated the conversation by calling and asking “Hi, how are you?” The comments go back and forth until the conversation ends.

  Look at the next conversation diagram and see if you can speculate anything about the conversation or people involved, without knowing anything about the spoken words. What can you tell about this conversation and the participants without knowing anything about their words? Who is probably the exceptional conversationalist in the diagram?

  Person A initiated the conversation. Person A said more. Person A also closed the conversation. Person A is more likely to be an exceptional conversationalist. Person B looks like s/he was merely responding to Person A the entire time.

  Every comment or question opens the door to multiple connections, additional comments, or questions. For any given comment, your brain is tasked with the job of finding a suitable connection. After finding an appropriate comment to connect with, the comment is verbalized and the conversation continues. The process of searching and sorting through all possible options is tremendously complex, but the brain is well equipped for the task. You may have realized that your brain may not be as proficient or skilled at generating good comments as the exceptional conversationalists. That’s possibly because you lack the number of acceptable comments an EC has available in their brain’s conversation storage tank.

  Let’s examine the different ways an EC and PC respond. Someone starts a conversation topic by asking, “Have you seen______yet? We just started watching it.” Assuming a PC and an EC haven’t seen the show, let’s compare comments.

  A PC may only think of two fairly limited options to choose from in that moment:

  No, I haven’t seen it.

  No, I haven’t. Is it good?

  An EC’s brain may be wired to scan many more – and better – options before making a selection:

  No, I haven’t seen it.

  No, I’m really into _______ right now. Have you seen that?

  No, but I bet Maureen would love that. She’s crazy about crime dramas. One time she binged on the entire season of ________ in one weekend!

  No, I’m more of a science fiction kind of guy. If Star Trek is ever on, I drop everything to watch it.

  Conversations can grow infinitely complex very quickly. At every turn, ECs often have more – and better – options than PCs. A PC may do fine during a more structured and simpler environment like playing Monopoly or working on a group project, but falter during a less scripted, more complex, and ambiguous conversation. By the end of this book you’ll be exposed to enough habits that coming up with something effective to say should never be a problem again.

  Your brain is a powerful machine, but left untrained, it won’t function as efficiently as it could. It’s time you start training your brain to achieve better results. As you work through this book, take the practice sections seriously and work on training your brain to develop better habits. Remember, an untrained brain picks and chooses random information. You can train it to choose better responses, form better connections, and remember more interesting information.

  CHAPTER 3: USE IT OR LOSE IT

  Turn to the last Use It or Lose It of this book in Chapter 18: Listen and Grow the Conversation Together. You’ll find a few authentic conversation samples borrowed from exceptional conversations. It’s important to study great conversations in their entirety, and not just single comments out of context. Choose one example case study and read every line. Read it again, but add some additional enthusiasm and energy, as if you were really there, playing the part of each person talking. Read it aloud a third time. Read it a few more times if you can. Reading it over and over encodes the scripts and comment structures in your memory – even if you don’t realize it. If you feel like you struggle with the flow of conversation and want to improve your awareness, then dedicate significant time to this exercise.

  CHAPTER 3: REVIEW

  Before this chapter:

  The Seven Habits: Sense, Grow, Assert, Share, Assemble, Connect, and Play

  Start working towards improving any weak links

  Add energy and variety to your voice

  Pay attention to the movie you’re showing people

  From this chapter:

  Scripts are everywhere, start paying more attention

  The I Feel, When You, Because is a classic script to remember

  Key takeaway from this chapter:

  Study more scripts so you become more comfortable with the structure and flow of conversations.

  Coming up next:

  Social interactions loosely follow underlying scripts, but for the most part, people don’t follow anything exactly the same way every time. It’s important to become more aware of what guides the words that come out of your mouth. We’re examining your core personality traits next.

  Preview: Social scripts may provide general direction, but your personality is what determines which comments you ultimately verbalize. It’s important to improve upon any negative traits or poor habits.

  [CHAPTER 4]

  AIM TO BE MORE LIKEABLE

  Everyday conversations follow some patterns, but the majority are still challenging to predict with any degree of accuracy. When you’re faced with social ambiguity, your personality guides which comments come out of your mouth. You may know thousands of interesting pieces of information and have thousands of comments ready to go, but your personality makes the final judgment call as to what you communicate. Be careful: All the training in the world won’t help if you’re a jerk!

  Before venturing any further, it’s important to take a detour to chat about your personality. You’re probably not a jerk, but you have to be careful of acting in certain ways that annoy your conversation partner(s) and decrease your social effectiveness. And on the flipside, emulating the best and most likeable personalities will reap instant benefits.

  We have all developed a Conversation Style. Some people love to listen and offer statements of sympathy. Some people love to entertain. Some people frequently offer opinions and observations. Some people often introduce new information and cultural references to the conversation. Part of solidifying your inner core is truly understanding who you are and how you fit into conversations with other people.

  I was at a social event recently where a woman was telling story after story – she was really captivating the group. However, when I tried to discuss something with her one-on-one, she was a terrible listener, and immediately shifted the conversation back to another personal anecdote. I was turned off immediately. Naturally, she got along swimmingly with a few people who loved to listen. They made a good match. As you read through all the habits, try to analyze your own habits and behaviors as they compare to exceptional conversationalists.

  Likeable personalities are generally effective in any type of environment or conversation, scripted or unscripted. Below are the seven most likeable personality traits (and their unlikeable counterparts). Whatever your conversation style, try to incorporate these seven traits into your personality if you don’t already. Falling on the side of an unlikeable trait may
be to blame for many of your past negative social experiences.

  The Seven Most Likeable Traits

  1.BE HUMBLE

  Admit your mistakes and don’t brag. Give others credit. Embracing your flaws is disarming; People will warm up to you quickly and more easily identify with you. Don’t be arrogant.

  He’s an amazing artist. I still struggle drawing triangles!

  2.BE CARING AND UNSELFISH

  Care about others and what they are saying, doing, and feeling. Ask follow-up questions, and reference something they said in the past. Share and relate to their feelings. Don’t be cold or self-centered.

  You mentioned last month you were thinking of ________, did you end up doing that?

  3.BE POSITIVE

  Not many people enjoy hanging out with Debbie Downer or Eeyore. You increase your odds of being likeable by generally remaining optimistic and looking for the good in life. You will see more good in things simply by trying to see more good. Avoid complaining too much. Don’t be too cynical, negative, or bitter.

  At least we were able to__________.

  4.BE ENTHUSIASTIC

  Give your words and expressions some life! You don’t have to be a cheerleader, but if someone tells you some good news, be excited for them. Put some feeling and energy in your voice. Remember, if you aren’t adding energy, you may be unintentionally subtracting from it. Don’t be an Energy Vampire.

  I love your kitchen...it reminds me of __________.

  5.BE GOAL-ORIENTED AND PASSIONATE

  Have direction in life and be able to share your goals. Working towards goals will increase your inner confidence. People are drawn to success and passion. Develop hobbies and passions. Talk about them. Don’t be overly lazy and uninspiring.

  This weekend, I’m volunteering for ________ / running a ________ / trying to build a_______.

  6.BE PLAYFUL

  Lighten up! Humor and playfulness are critical to exceptional conversation, but also the hardest to achieve. But don’t worry, humor and play are covered thoroughly in my next book. For now, don’t be too serious all the time.

  Even if I miss the game, I avoid everyone until I can watch it. I’m actually good at avoiding everyone. If there was a career for professional avoiders, I’d be a very wealthy man by now!

  7.BE FLEXIBLE

  Adapt to changing environments. Don’t turn cranky when something doesn’t go your way. Being flexible means being easy-going and going with the flow of conversation instead of stopping it. Play along with silly jokes. Don’t be rigid or defensive with friends.

  It’s closed? That’s okay, I bet we can find some cool _________ over at___________too!

  How Do You Make Others Feel?

  The essence of being likeable is how you make others feel when they are around you. Your efforts spent improving your financial situation, career, appearance, accomplishments, etc., don’t equate to likeability if the other person doesn’t feel good when they’re around you.

  Imagine I created flashcards containing a photo of someone you know on each card. If I showed you one card at a time, and measured your physical and mental reaction, we’d discover how each person made you feel. Some people would elicit joy, sorrow, anger, jealousy, etc.

  I’m not advocating that you obsesses about what others think about you – I’m simply suggesting you watch out for any negative habits preventing others from feeling good around you. What are those behaviors? Many are the unlikeable traits listed previously. For example, being too negative, selfish, or arrogant.

  How someone feels around you is connected to their desires. Be cognizant of the two primary levels of human desire:

  1.SHALLOW

  2.DEEP

  On a shallow level, people want to relax, learn, play, laugh, be entertained, and generally enjoy themselves. The deep level is the heavier stuff – the average person wants to feel loved, respected, valued, and listened to. They want to feel like their opinions matter. Start becoming hyper aware of how you make others feel on both levels – are you providing value on a shallow level? Do you own a house everyone enjoys visiting? Do you keep people informed of the latest news? Do you tell entertaining stories? Do you add some energy? Do you know how to joke around? Or do you make people feel uneasy or tense? Do you get defensive too easily? Maybe your value is more with the deeper levels. Maybe you offer deep friendship. Maybe you’re the person who listens well and always supports your friends when they need you.

  Ask yourself if your actions, behaviors, thoughts, and words are contributing to the other person’s positive feelings or reducing them? ECs are dynamic. They offer value across both levels. They offer excitement, energy, and positive attitudes. They look toward the future, they inspire, they uplift others around them, they offer entertainment value, they seek to help others, and fulfill desires by being a good listener. PCs may not subtract from any desire, but they may not appeal to any desire either.

  CHAPTER 4: USE IT OR LOSE IT

  Which one of the Seven Most Likeable Traits could you improve immediately? Pick one and do something today that moves you closer to being more likeable.

  CHAPTER 4: REVIEW

  Before this chapter:

  The Seven Habits: Sense, Grow, Assert, Share, Assemble, Connect, and Play

  Add energy and variety to your voice

  Pay attention to the movie you’re showing people

  Scripts are everywhere, start paying more attention

  From this chapter:

  The Seven Most Likeable Traits: Be Humble, Caring, Positive, Enthusiastic, Goal-Oriented, Playful, and Flexible

  Pay attention to how you make others feel on a shallow and deep level

  Key takeaway from this chapter:

  No social encounter is truly predictable and controllable, but by sticking to likeable traits, you’ll help yourself succeed in any situation.

  Coming up next:

  The Grow habit is next. It’s critical that you grow your mental capacity for exceptional conversation.

  HABIT TWO

  GROW

  Preview: Developing yourself, retaining conversational nuggets, and improving your conversational memory are key parts of the Grow habit. This chapter explores why you are sometimes at a loss for words, how to contribute more to conversation, and how to grow into a better conversationalist.

  [CHAPTER 5]

  FILL UP YOUR CONVERSATION STORAGE TANK

  “I Never Know What to Say!”

  Why do you struggle coming up with responses? Why do your conversations stall? This is one of the most common challenges to conversationalists everywhere.

  I teach classes on improving interviewing skills. The first question I ask my students is based on an ancient Chinese proverb.

  ME: When is the best time to plant a tree?

  STUDENT: I don’t know.

  ME: 20 years ago. When is the second best time to plant a tree?

  STUDENT: I don’t know.

  ME: Now.

  The interview itself is the last part of what determines if you will land the job. Everything you did up until the interview is far more important. Did you gain valuable experiences in your field you can reference? A strong portfolio you can draw on? Have you learned the appropriate vernacular for the role? The interview is a lesson in long-term preparation.

  Just like during an interview, it’s very difficult to fake a good conversation. The conversation itself can only be as good as the content it pulls from. No self-help book is capable of telling you exactly what to say in every conversation. It takes time and effort – there are no “get rich quick” strategies.

  Imagine being stuck in an elevator with a stranger for one hour. There’s nothing to see or observe besides the elevator. It’s incredibly boring. This is a very challenging scenario for PCs. ECs would still thrive. Why? ECs dedicate time to remembering thousands of effective comments, facts, opinions, and stories for use in a myriad of situations. We all have a part of our memory dedicated to information we can reference in conversation; I refer to this part of our brain as the conversation storage tank.

  Your storage tank is always with you – even in a dark, stalled elevator. An EC could tell stories for hours if given the opportunity. Adding to your conversation storage tank now, will help you avoid the dreaded awkward silences later.