The Conversation Code: How to Upgrade Your Social Skills and Your Life Read online

  5.Do people find your comments interesting and your conversation engaging?

  6.Are you able to consistently maintain a conversation for as long as you desire?

  7.Are you able to initiate playful and fun conversations?

  The aforementioned questions correlate to one of the seven habits:

  1.SENSE. ECs have a strong sense of self, advanced awareness of how they come across to others, and a strong sense of how conversations flow. ECs focus on strengthening the core of who they are: their personality, goals, and non-verbal traits.

  2.GROW. ECs are constantly growing and developing themselves. They also focus on retaining information specifically for future conversations. The depth of experiences, stories, knowledge, and vocabulary are all critical to being able to contribute to conversations.

  3.ASSERT. ECs assert themselves and control their conversations. They choose the topics. They initiate. They determine their own success.

  4.SHARE. ECs know that sharing thoughts, feelings, observations, and opinions on topics is critical to maintaining engaging and interesting conversations. Self-disclosure is critical to balancing conversations and building rapport. Sharing is also the root of small talk success.

  5.ASSEMBLE. ECs have developed effective techniques for expressing their thoughts in interesting and engaging ways.

  6.CONNECT. ECs know how to connect with people and to conversation topics. They are experts at maintaining and growing conversations.

  7.PLAY. ECs add an element of play to half of what they say and do. Playfulness touches all areas, and it’s the secret ingredient behind the EC’s charm, wit, and humor.

  As you read through this book, think about the people you know who perform well in most or all seven habits. Think about people who could become exceptional, but fall short in one or two habits. Maybe you’re one of those people? For example, a poor sense of self and ineffective nonverbal skills, like frequent mumbling or low energy, would handicap every single social encounter.

  A Few Last Thoughts about Acquiring Social Skills

  Confident and likeable conversationalists are no different than everyone else. They are just closer to reaching their potential “selves”. They are in touch with their authentic self and subsequently find it easier to initiate and maintain genuine relationships.

  Learning the habits of exceptional conversationalists will equip you with the tools to help you reach the top and realize your entire “self.” By understanding the conversation code, you can unlock any social shackles holding you down.

  Imagine if Leonardo Da Vinci never had access to paints or pencils? What would Bill Gates or Steve Jobs have done 100 years ago before they had access to computer technology? We are all lucky benefactors of their talents and willingness to take advantage of the tools they were given in order to fully realize their potential.

  Most of your dreams and desires cannot be achieved without going through, and working with, other people. Lacking sufficient social skills is expensive and the cost of not improving your social skills immeasurable. It’s impossible to calculate the number of missed opportunities and experiences in your life, career, or relationships that are traced back to poor social skills or shyness. The real world demands a certain level of sociability if you desire to achieve anything of consequence. Countless studies have shown that people with better social skills and higher emotional intelligence fair better in the workplace than their counterparts with higher grades and standard intelligence scores.

  Your authentic, true self, may be hidden behind many layers of fear and anxiety. But with more tools comes more confidence and ability. If you asked me to play a game of badminton, I would gladly join you. Why? Because I’m a highly skilled and seasoned badminton player. (You may have heard of some of my aliases: the Bad Boy of Badminton or the Badminton Banshee.) But I wasn’t always so skilled. As a child, I refused to play the game with friends because I lacked any skills to keep up. Over time, I developed skills and experienced more positive outcomes. More skills = more confidence. Less skills = fear and avoidance. Okay moving on.

  A major source of frustration stems from the attitude that you can’t change the situation you are in or the person you are. You may experience a lot of self-doubt and guilt: “I’m so stupid,” or “No one really likes me.” If you desire real change, it’s time to move away from a victim role and decide how you will take action. Everything can be improved. Your personality is never complete. Your habits and interests aren’t finite. You’re always changing – but only you decide the direction. Are you moving forward or backward? Are you going to be better today than you were yesterday?

  Many people would argue that trying to be anything but themselves is a futile task and only results in artificial behavior. Some say that acting or speaking like anyone else can never last, or is deceitful in some way. It’s tempting to excuse your actions by saying to yourself, “That’s just who I am.” I completely disagree. And unless you challenge those thoughts early in life, they may grow stronger with age.

  Am I different than who I was fifteen years ago? You’re damn right I am! Did it feel awkward or artificial to force myself to develop new habits sometimes? It sure did! But I am the person I am today because of those experiences and efforts. And I feel much more myself than ever.

  Growing up as an introvert, I learned to develop an “on-off switch” that I could adjust depending on the situation. Turning my social skills “on” right before a work function or a presentation didn’t always feel natural, but the more I did it, the easier it became, and the less it felt unnatural. In fact, I would consider myself more of an “ambivert” now (Someone with traits of both introverts and extroverts).

  Be the best “you” you can be. Copy, imitate, learn from, but don’t try to be exactly like someone else. Aim for the best version of “you.” Enhance the good traits, and improve upon the bad. If you’re stuck at 25% of your social potential, you may not be very likeable or successful, but the 82% “you” may have plenty of life successes and exceptional conversations. I once heard a quote that sent chills down my spine: “Hell is meeting the person you could have been, living the life you could have had.”

  Happiness stems in large part from feeling you are making progress in life. It comes from being able to control your personal direction – whether in a momentary conversation or a professional career.

  Let’s be honest: You’re not going to remember everything you read in this book. Instead, your goal should be to focus and re-read (and practice!) specific areas you desire to improve.

  People spend thousands of dollars on improving their lives – hoping it will bear the fruit of happiness. New cars, houses, plastic surgery, clothes – these are usually temporary fixes. True happiness is not possible without meaningful relationships and a sense of connectedness to others. Upgrading your social skills can be more enduring and beneficial than anything money can buy.

  Let’s get started!

  IMPORTANT NOTE

  The examples found herein come from 100% certified organic free-range conversations. I highly recommend reading some of them aloud for a more authentic experience. Some may come across as awkward because I am unable to provide the entire context – but trust me, the examples were highly effective at the time. Due to their purely colloquial nature, some examples contain crass elements not be suitable for all audiences. This book is rated PG.

  HABIT ONE

  SENSE

  Preview: We begin with the very foundation of verbal conversation – your voice. Your words won’t travel far without the weight and energy of effective non-verbal delivery. It’s also critical to develop awareness of how you come across to others. Improving this area first offers the best bang for your buck!

  [CHAPTER 1]

  FIRST, LISTEN TO YOURSELF

  Why would I start a book on verbal conversation with a chapter about non-verbal skills? Two reasons:

  1.Non-verbal skills are the most important communication skills you can develop
– and the easiest to overlook. They are the foundation of everything you do and say.

  2.Non-verbal skills are the easiest to change and improve. You can dramatically enhance every future conversation by tweaking a little non-verbal behavior today.

  What’s the easiest and quickest way to express confidence? Surprise! Through your non-verbal communication. For example, the simple act of deliberately slowing down a few words and inserting a pregnant pause signals that you’re in control and confident. On the flip side, what’s the easiest and quickest way to project poor confidence? Poor non-verbal skills: bad posture, fidgety hands, mumbled rapid speech, etc. If you’re someone who talks too softly, you may lack much “presence” within the social situation. Other dominant conversationalists may verbally step over/on you, cut you off, and generally not respect or react to what you say.

  3....2....1....Speak! Your spoken words are tiny rockets blasting off into communication space. Your every word, expression, and social interaction is reliant on the non-verbal fuel you supply. Are you providing enough non-verbal fuel for them to reach their mission? Should you add extra energy? Volume? Enthusiasm?

  Want to know a secret? Half the stuff so called “interesting people” say isn’t that interesting! But they say it like it’s interesting – their words sound interesting. It’s often that simple. The opposite is true too – you may utter interesting comments, but if you express the words like they aren’t interesting, don’t be surprised if others view the words as uninteresting also.

  The simplest statements (e.g. “That was awesome!” or “I like that.”) can be very effective in conjunction with fantastic non-verbal skills. Many well-liked and popular people are not particularly great wordsmiths, yet conversationally thrive due to exceptional non-verbal skills.

  This is the first chapter because it is designed to force you to step back for a minute before jumping gung-ho into learning any new verbal communication skills. Upgrading your non-verbal skills will instantly revitalize your current collection of comments, making you more engaging and interesting by simply saying the same things you’ve always been saying. Frankly, it’s impossible to offer interesting remarks to everyone all the time. Unless you’re a pirate, we don’t live lives that exciting. We go to the grocery store. We watch movies. We clean kitchens and take out the garbage (Well, some of us do!).

  Quick Practice: Let’s pause for a quick exercise. Go grab your phone, find your voice recorder app or download a free one. Record yourself telling me a quick (under 1 minute) story about an event from your childhood (Don’t just read text – this recording needs to be natural). Record in your normal everyday voice. Save the recording, we’ll get to it later.

  Countless studies indicate people who have better non-verbal communication skills, simply come across as more interesting and likeable. You probably know a person or two you could just listen to forever, simply because their voice is so mesmerizing. They could be bloviating at length about thermodynamic laws – it wouldn’t matter. I listen to podcasts every day, and it’s often the podcasts with great voices that keep me coming back – even if the content is only average.

  A lot of research suggests that your tone of voice can give the impression that you’re more intelligent or successful than someone who has a weaker voice. Don’t let a weak voice hold you back. Think about it: If people don’t enjoy your voice, then how can you expect them to enjoy your conversation? Have you ever talked to someone with a bad case of the mumbles? Or someone who was so quiet it was hard to hear every word? It can be an incredibly frustrating experience. Next time someone says, “What?” or misunderstands your message, your voice could be at fault.

  I was born with a soft voice and I never realized how frustrating it was for other people to listen to me until my wife pointed it out (on multiple occasions!). My soft voice partially explained why I didn’t receive the reactions I expected over the years. Luckily I was able to cure my disease by forcing out a little volume and energy.

  Remember that time you felt socially embarrassed or ineffective? (For many of you I’m sure this is a daily angst.) You may have obsessed for hours over your word choices and whether you said the wrong thing. The problem may stem from how those words were spoken. And an important component of how you speak is energy.

  Are You an Energy Donor or Energy Vampire?

  Energy is the effort you put into your words. Energy isn’t simply acting excited or speaking in loud, high-pitched tones. It is passion; enthusiasm; conviction; feeling; concern; and a whole lot more. Talk like you care about what you’re saying. Because if you don’t care, why should the other person?

  Exceptional conversations thrive on energy. If you aren’t adding energy, you’re unintentionally sucking it from others. Don’t be an energy vampire! No one likes talking to energy vampires. People only like conversing with vampires in the movies – especially if the vampires look like Brad Pitt or Robert Pattinson. (They never have to worry about vocal variation.)

  Have you ever experienced that moment where you suddenly get the feeling no one is listening anymore? That you’re boring the other person? I’m not here to flatter you – you may in fact have been boring. People are impatient. People require stimulation. People want to see movement and feel energy. Good non-verbal communication keeps the audience stimulated in case your words aren’t interesting enough.

  Try this experiment next time you get a chance: During a plain everyday interaction, add more energy than normal into a few statements, and see if you notice the other person adding more energy into their responses. Energy begets energy.

  Speak Like a Roller Coaster

  A roller coaster? How exactly does a roller coaster talk? What does that mean? How can you apply it to the way you talk? Should you try to sound like a cheerleader all day? Please don’t! Should you shout a lot? No thanks!

  From now on, think of your voice as a roller coaster ride. When you speak, you’re giving your audience an auditory ride – whether you plan to or not. Are you forcing your audience to ride on a flat, boring, monotonous ride? If you are, you can’t be surprised if no one is pushing and shoving to get back in line for your next ride.

  Additionally, people from all corners of the world, prefer tonal variance when listening to another person speak. Some people are born with melodious voices, but no one is born a singer, professional speaker, or book narrator. It takes training to fully control vocal modulation and rhythms. Many people, born with unfortunate voices, learn to improve the quality and pitch of their sounds.

  Compare the roller coaster rides in the illustration. If your voice is a roller coaster, which ride do you think people would prefer?

  Although you may view the third roller coaster as being the most fun, when it comes to how you talk, you should aim for something like the middle roller coaster. The first ride is probably too mild and monotonous. And the third ride may sound more like a restless teenager after downing three Red Bull energy drinks.

  We could delve deeper into terms like timbre and resonance, but knowing the terminology is not the point. If I played a recording of five people speaking, you would instinctively recognize who sounds pleasing and who doesn’t. The good news is that your voice is very easy to control with practice and effort. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Simply try to vary the inflection in your voice: change your volume, pitch, and your speed/tempo. In general, deeper/lower pitches tend to be more pleasing. You can also vary the energy on a single phrase or even a single word for extra emphasis.

  Quick Practice: Go grab your phone again for another recording. Tell the same childhood story you told from the last practice, but this time deliberately maintain a very flat, monotone voice the entire time. Then record the story again, but vary your voice wildly (to the point you feel silly recording it!). Go up, go down, pause for a few seconds, vary your pitch, speed, lower your voice, add emphasis on certain words, etc. Have fun! Save both recordings.

  Insecure people often do one of three things with their v
oice:

  1.Lose energy/volume and trail off at the end of their statements.

  2.Talk quietly.

  3.Pronounce statements as if they were questions (AKA “uptalk”).

  On the contrary, people in positions of power have a certain method of speaking with energy and conviction all the way through to the end. Also, listen carefully to journalists and news anchors. They are masters at controlling their voices and therefore come off as very confident – even if deep down they are petrified. They slow a word down or stretch it out at will. It’s as if they are saying, “I’m going to take up more time and space with this word, because I’m in control.” They deliberately pause to add tension – as if taking you to the peak of the ride before moving again.

  Some of my favorite examples of vocal modulation and non-verbal habits come from comedians like Aziz Ansari. The secret of humor doesn’t necessarily stem from what he says as much as how he sounds. He has perfected the art of varying his voice and taking his listeners on a tremendous auditory ride. His timing and emphasis on certain words is the secret to his magic.

  A key tactic for most comedians is the strategic use of emphasis; they wait until the perfect series of words to add extra emphasis. I have a few very funny friends who similarly have learned to add an extra punch of energy and enthusiasm to the keywords or punchline of their statement – it doesn’t have to be only during jokes! Some people offer an observation or tell a story and hold the extra emphasis for when they’re describing their reaction. For example, “She finally turned around to look at me and I thought she was wearing some kind of zombie mask, but she really wasn’t – I was like, ‘Whoa! I’m getting outta here!” If the reaction, in italics, was said with extra emphasis, it would come off as much more entertaining. You could go one step further and show the look of horror in your facial expressions, acting out the reaction as if you were truly scared. How would you sound? Try dramatizing it for fun.