The Conversation Code: How to Upgrade Your Social Skills and Your Life Read online

  THE CONVERSATION CODE

  HOW TO UPGRADE YOUR SOCIAL SKILLS AND YOUR LIFE

  GEOFFREY “GREGORY” PEART, M.ED.

  AURELIUS BOOKS

  Copyright © 2016 by Geoffrey Peart

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher, at the address or email below.

  Aurelius Books

  P.O. Box 5171

  Brighton, MI 48116

  [email protected]

  Book Cover Design and Layout ©2016 Geoffrey Peart

  Book Illustrations ©2016 Geoffrey Peart

  The conversation code: how to upgrade your social skills and your life/Geoffrey “Gregory” Peart—1st ed.

  ISBN 978-0-9898904-0-3

  To my Dad, who inspires me to dream.

  To my Mom, who inspires me to create.

  To my Wife, who inspires me to persist.

  To my Sons, who inspire me to play.

  And to every friend I met along the way.

  Without the herculean efforts of my editing team, this book would not exist in its current form. A giant thanks to Maureen Linnell, Katherine Hempel, and Patricia Banker. They miraculously helped turned a giant collection of notes into the readable document you see before you. Also, a special thanks to Isaac Attia for encouraging me from the beginning. Thank you to everyone else who provided any feedback throughout the entire process.

  CONTENTS

  Preface

  Introduction to the Habits

  HABIT 1: SENSE

  Chapter 1: First, Listen to Yourself

  Chapter 2: Watch Yourself

  Chapter 3: Increase Your Conversational Awareness

  Chapter 4: Aim to Be More Likeable

  HABIT 2: GROW

  Chapter 5: Fill Up Your Conversation Storage Tank

  Chapter 6: Keep Growing

  Chapter 7: Expand Your Word Choices

  HABIT 3: ASSERT

  Chapter 8: Adapt the Active Mindset and Initiate with Anyone

  Chapter 9: Initiate with Feeler Statements

  Chapter 10: Start Small with Small Talk

  Chapter 11: Expand Your Range of Questions

  HABIT 4: SHARE

  Chapter 12: Paint Your Portrait with Effective Self-Disclosing

  Chapter 13: Share More Effective Observations and Opinions

  HABIT 5: ASSEMBLE

  Chapter 14: Learn How to Effectively Support Your Comments

  Chapter 15: Build More Interesting and Engaging Comments

  HABIT 6: CONNECT

  Chapter 16: Offer Connectable Opinions and Topics

  Chapter 17: Be Connectable and Maintain the Conversation

  Chapter 18: Listen and Grow the Conversation Together

  Notes

  PREFACE

  “Hi, how have you been?”

  So, remember that indoor children’s play center I was telling you about? Well, normally, we only venture there to escape the house and help my son release his inner chimpanzee. But this last time was different. Out of nowhere, five-year-old Kaerigan asked me how he could make more friends. I wasn’t sure what to say at first. But then the teacher in me decided that he was ready to learn his first major social skill: initiating.

  Right away, we encountered a little girl about his age. And as usual, Kaerigan stood silently in place, as if his internal operating system lacked a program for social interactions. She, too, stood motionless.

  She waited. Kaerigan waited. They were stuck playing a game of Shy Chicken.

  I couldn’t take it any longer. I bent down and whispered into Kaerigan’s ear, “Say ‘Hi’.” He did. She did too. Then I advised, “Ask her what her name is.” He asked, and she in turn responded, “Kate.” Then I whispered, “Tell her your name now.” Then, “Ask how old she is.” She responded with her age. I felt like a modern day Cyrano De Bergerac for kids (see Steve Martin’s character in Roxanne – it’s a classic!).

  And then it happened. I blinked, and they were gone. They ran off together and disappeared into the distant recesses of the climbing structure. My son had spoken just a few words and Presto! – he had a new friend. I was able to relax with my medium-roast coffee and watch my son and his new BFF play for the next hour.

  Kaerigan left the play center that day not only with new social confidence, but with the knowledge that he possesses control over his social destiny. That one tiny realization is the key to a better social future. I was proud. I felt like I actually deserved my “World’s Greatest Dad” coffee mug he bought me last Christmas.

  Did I mention that my son was recently diagnosed as being somewhere on the autism spectrum? Although he is extremely bright and enjoys people and new experiences, I’m predicting we will have many more learning opportunities like the one we had that day.

  This book began as a sort of manifesto to a younger version of myself. However, as the process of writing this book and the process of raising my son intermingled, I have come to realize that I have been writing it just as much for my son as well as for people like me.

  Unlike many “communication experts,” I know firsthand what it means to be truly shy and fearful of social experiences. At age 15, my best social skill was my ability to laugh on command at others’ witty (and sometimes non-witty) comments. I always felt like an “extra” in the movie of life. I only felt socially comfortable with my closest friends. But unlike my son, I am not on any autistic spectrum. I don’t really have an excuse. I just sucked at conversation. And telling stories. Or cracking jokes. I realized early on that I was programmed to be a shy introvert and my brain was not wired for exceptional communication.

  It sounds absurd to think about now, but I couldn’t even call and order pizza or go down to the drugstore without feeling anxiety about the impending social interaction. On one occasion, while sitting at a table in my high school art class, a girl next to me advised that I “should try to find a personality.” I took her advice to heart, but where does someone find a personality? I didn’t see any available on Amazon.com.

  I started to realize that if I wanted to accomplish my goals, knowing how to converse effectively with others would likely be a prerequisite. This concept really hit home when I was dating a girl in college. My close friend at the time started dating her behind my back. He was an exceptional conversationalist. He was quick with a joke or to light up your smoke (or however that Billy Joel song goes). He was a deft storyteller. I didn’t stand a chance. I was heart-broken. Sucker punched. I became painfully aware of how important conversation skills would be if I wanted any happiness in my life.

  I decided to do something about it.

  I scoured the libraries, bookstores, and academic journals. I read over 100 social skills books. Sadly, I never found the help I was seeking. I never found a book that helped me discover the secrets of great conversation. Too many authors were content offering generic opinions like, “People like jokes – just say something funny!” I needed a book that actually outlined steps for how to be interesting or how to initiate a conversation. I needed step-by-step, real-life, examples.

  I eventually realized that I was looking for a book that didn’t exist. Until now. I knew I was not the only one who felt trapped in a social cage (or worse: bullied, depress
ed, or abused). In fact, nearly 40% of the population considers themselves shy to some degree. I devoted the next 15 years to breaking out of the shyness cage and recording my research.

  The content found in these pages helped me pursue my goals fearlessly. I went from “shy guy” to business manager, to star salesman, to landing the job of my dreams. I met my beautiful wife by approaching her at a 70’s disco bar. I no longer fear confronting any social situation.

  Today, instead of fearing interactions, I actually look forward to them.

  When my son is old enough, I hope this book is on his bookshelf (or maybe on his Kindle 23?). I hope it provides him a roadmap for taking his conversational skills to the next level and the confidence to go after his ideal life. Sorry, I was blabbering about my son so much that I almost forgot: I hope this book helps you too.

  INTRODUCTION

  Think about the last conversation you had. Did you briefly chat with your spouse about dinner plans? Did you recommend a great movie to a friend? Did you make small talk about the weather with a stranger? Did you make someone laugh?

  What made you choose those words? Why did you respond a certain way? Could you have been funnier? Could you have told a better story? Did you regret not saying more, or less?

  Now think about the last time someone made you laugh. Or the last time someone regaled you with an entertaining story. Or the last time someone made you feel like they truly understood you. Who was this person?

  You may have been in the presence of an exceptional conversationalist.

  You already know who the exceptional conversationalists are. They can converse with anyone about anything. They can captivate entire crowds with a single word or glance. They seem to have an unlimited supply of entertaining stories and witty lines. They’re invited to the best parties. They leave a trail of friends wherever they go. Like Neo from The Matrix, they possess a super-awareness of the underpinnings of conversation.

  In fact, we all are capable of moments of exceptional conversation. However; some people are consistently exceptional. It’s easy to be envious of another’s social prowess and seemingly magical conversation skills. The fact is, exceptional conversationalists can’t explain how they do it. (Trust me, I have asked quite a few!) You might as well ask a bottlenose dolphin how it learned to swim so well.

  This book unravels the mystery behind the success of exceptional conversationalists, and what they do differently than most people. This book is based on a simple principle: Success in life comes from your ability to interact with a variety of people across all strata of society, in every common situation. By studying (and practicing) the habits of the best conversationalists, you’ll become socially flexible and confident.

  The good news is that no one is born speaking effectively. After all, I’ve never met a baby who could hold a conversation or tell a good joke! Over your lifetime, you have developed behaviors and patterns that continually underpin your social interactions.

  For instance, if someone tells you they lost their phone, how might you respond? Would you choose one of the following comments?

  SYMPATHIZE: Oh, I’m sorry, that’s horrible!

  SEEK INFORMATION: Really, what kind of phone was it?

  OFFER ENCOURAGEMENT: At least this means you can finally get a new one, night?

  SHARE AN EXPERIENCE: Really? I lost my phone a few years ago and I felt so useless without it!

  You have been exposed to hundreds of thousands of conversations over your lifetime: some good, some bad, and some exceptional. You have heard thousands of witty one-liners, engaging stories, and friendly banter. With every social exposure and interaction, you form new neural connections or strengthen old ones. Up until this very moment, it has been a fairly random process. You may have picked up some great phrase structures, and you probably missed a few too. If your goal is to take control of the skills and habits you acquire, this book will serve as your guide. If you desire to achieve more exceptional conversational moments, this book will help you with that too.

  What this book won’t do is magically transform you into Jimmy Fallon, Tina Fey, Jennifer Lawrence, or Conan O’Brien. If it could, I would be a far richer man than I am today! You could dedicate your life to learning basketball, but you’d never be LeBron James either. And that’s okay, because you’d probably end up being a pretty darn good basketball player!

  Mind the Gap

  The gap between poor and exceptional conversationalists is fascinating. Why are some people naturally comfortable with conversation, even from a young age? What did they know that their peers did not? How do effective responses come to them so quickly? How could the rest of us learn to communicate like they do?

  There are many reasons for shyness, social skill deficits, or social anxiety. And there are an equal number of books that try to pathologize social differences. If you wanted, you could read the DSM IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) to find out just how crazy you really are! My background is in Psychology and Human Performance, and I realized a long time ago that every one of us could be classified as “abnormal” in some way. Maybe you have Lexical Deficit Disorder or Semantic Pragmatic Deficit Disorder or Expressive Language Disorder? The good news is that this book makes no such attempt at a psychological diagnosis.

  In fact, let’s have a light-hearted look at our mental structures. We all have a little part of our brain responsible for learning social skills. Some of us are hard-wired and pre-disposed to pick up social skills easily and eventually metamorphose into a social butterfly. The rest of us? Not so lucky. I like to label someone’s proclivity for learning social skills as either being like that of a Verbal Sponge or Verbal Stone.

  I posit that everyone sits somewhere on the spectrum between Verbal Stone and Verbal Sponge. My younger brother has always been a pure Verbal Sponge. He soaks up social expressions with ease. He actively seeks social interactions, and as a consequence, polishes his skills exponentially more. He is a year younger, but we both started speaking at the same time. In fact, he quickly overtook me. He has always been gregarious and popular. I have always been the opposite. Yet, our upbringings were essentially identical. Regarding the ability to learn, process, and retain conversation skills, we could not have been farther apart on the spectrum.

  Verbal Stones were never wired for exceptional conversation. Stones tend to learn just enough to get by, relying on few options for conversation. Their brains often focus on other things. Because of their lack of social skills early on, they usually have experienced many more negative or awkward social situations, making them more hesitant to engage in future social interactions. Subsequently, they fall further and further behind their Verbal Sponge counterparts.

  The Research

  Finding studies based on authentic conversations is like finding needles in haystacks – there’s not much useful information available. I realized quickly that research deconstructing great conversationalists was severely lacking. I knew I had to conduct my own research.

  Over 17,500 conversations and interactions were studied over a period of 15 years (from age 20 to 35). I unabashedly collected data through face-to-face interactions and observations of participants in their true habitat (some may refer to this method as “purposeful eavesdropping,” but I digress). Every effective comment or technique was recorded. And of course all identifying information was changed to protect everyone’s privacy. (Except for my own family – because calling any of them some other name would just be weird.)

  Only the best material was extracted and transcribed, coded, and organized to determine major themes and patterns. I started unraveling the mystery that escaped me for so many years. My analysis uncovered hundreds of behaviors that exceptional conversationalists consistently demonstrated. And the differences between the poor conversationalists and exceptional conversationalists became very apparent.

  While you may consider yourself shy or introverted, socially anxious or happily withdrawn, for the sake of simplicity, I re
fer to everyone who may have gaps in their social skills, as Poor Conversationalists. And because I don’t feel like typing it out a thousand times, Poor Conversationalists will be referred to as “PCs” and Exceptional Conversationalists as “ECs.” I make this distinction simply to clarify certain points in the book. However, my assumption is that most people reading this book fall on a spectrum between being a PC and an EC.

  The Seven Habits of Exceptional Conversationalists

  Seven habits persistently presented themselves in my research. Wait a minute! Weren’t there only six? Okay it’s time I come clean – there are actually seven primary habits. This book covers the first six habits in depth, and occasionally weaves in the seventh, which I call “Play.” The reason for this is simple: The seventh habit is so vast and ubiquitous to exceptional conversation, it requires its own book. I debated making this book 500+ pages, but my editors weren’t fans of that idea!

  ECs demonstrate proficiency, and in some cases mastery, of each habit. Your goal should be proficiency in at least the first six habits, for one weak link can sabotage the whole! As you read about each habit, consider whether you’re falling behind on any of them. The Play habit is more advanced and not necessary to achieve effective conversation.

  In fact, you are reading this book because you may struggle with one or more of the habits. A major deficit with even one habit may be sabotaging your conversations.

  Do You Have Any Weak Links?

  1.Are you completely aware of how you come across to others? Do you have a strong sense of self and a sense of life direction?

  2.Are you consistently growing a collection of facts, experiences, and stories? Do you have a strong personality?

  3.Are you able to consistently initiate conversation? Are you able to control the flow of conversation?

  4.Do you frequently and effortlessly share your thoughts, feelings, and opinions?